I had a glimmer this weekend of how God might sometimes view my relationship with him. I am a 1 on the Enneagram. That means, I cannot only fall into patterns of being hypercritical with people around me, but I am generally hypercritical of myself. My evaluation of any task I do usually results in finding at least four ways I could have done it better or can improve it.
This weekend, my 16-year-old son took me on a trip for my birthday. His original plan was for us to go to the beach for three days – because the whole goal of the trip was “for you to just relax.“ He knows I love the beach! But this fall, my schedule has just been too crazy to find three consecutive days to go away. We didn’t want to wait until November, because he also knows how much I don’t like the cold! So, he modified our trip to an overnight in Hot Springs National Park. He had been planning this weekend event for weeks, giving great attention to detail – consulting with others, looking up reviews, finding the best restaurants, finding an Airbnb with the perfect balcony view and a TV the size of Rhode Island. I don’t think there was anything he hadn’t considered.
We left on Friday after he got home from class and stopped at the bank for some cash, and headed out. It was an amazing weekend and a sweet time spent with him making memories.
I was struck however with how many times he was overcome with disappointment during the weekend. The restaurant wasn’t quite as good as he had hoped, the bathhouse closed early so we couldn’t do our spa on Friday afternoon, the weather was cold and I forgot my jacket (but he gave me his flannel shirt), and other little things that weren’t exactly as he had planned. Frequently he would say, “I’m so sorry – this just isn’t turning out like I wanted!“
I was having a blast and enjoying every single minute, including food that wasn’t all that good. I kept telling him that the gift was time with him and all the intention and care that he had put into planning this trip, and that no little changes in his original plan were going to ruin it for me. It saddened me that he was so distressed about things not working out perfectly, when I was just so incredibly proud of what he had done and pleased with all of his loving efforts.
As I reflected on this, the Lord reminded me that that is also often how he feels when I am doing something for him and can’t quit being upset about the imperfections I see in it. He told me that He is just as pleased and happy with my intentions of love for him as I am about Jeremiah‘s for me. And that He is just as saddened by my consistent disappointment in my performance. That put a whole new perspective on the way that He loves and the grace that he feels toward me every day.
What about you? Do you feel that all your efforts in pleasing the father fall short? Are you constantly disappointed by the performance you intend toward him? Might His perspective toward your efforts and intentions be considerably different than you have previously considered?
As one of my favorite crusty preachers, Steve Brown, would say, “You think about that. Amen.“
